So I’m back. I’m refreshed, and I have been for a whole week, so there is loads to bang on about.
— W A R N I N G —
THIS ISSUE CONTAINS SATIRE.
IT IS NOT SUITABLE
FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT TELL
IS MEANT AS A JOKE.
First of all a massive thank you for those who have welcomed me back, and a HUGE great big kiss for @Pramana for keeping AS-NS up and running while I was gone. You can read more about that HERE.
I was going to moan about how bland AVEN has become, and that Hot Box has nothing about asexuality in it at all. But they sorted that one out just hours before I wrote this, in fact there is an article on that very subject just HERE.
AVEN though has become noticeably bland and quiet since I was away. It had started to go quiet, but now it really is. It seems as though the inevitable has happened, and all the people with any opinion differing from that of the uber offended has either just decided that being told every time they voice their opinion that they deserve a ban is boring, and they have left. Or they have become moderators, and totally sold out their opinions in order to work for free.
If you are new to AVEN here is:
An Ace Times guide to:
– How To Get On, On AVEN-
Before you start writing posts:
- Choose a user name with the word ACE in it, or some pseudo Japanese word in it.
- Have a good sob story.
- Try and find as many words as you can to describe your gender and orientation, and heritage. Put these in your description.
- If you can have a religion. (This will come in handy later).
- Figure out what you want your profile to say, then go to google translate, and translate it all in to Japanese. Don’t panic, no one understands Japanese, It’s just the way the kids roll these days. They like their Japanese cartoons.
- Go an research the latest cartoons,and make sure you know the names of the lead characters.
- Find a sentimental quote to use in your signature, again, you will gain more respect if you translate it in to Japanese, and attribute it to a zen master.
Writing your first post:
- Write your first post in the welcome lounge, You don’t need to spend any time on this what so ever, no one will read it, and most are just there to give out pictures of cake, and get their post count up, so they can add more Japanese words under their user names. Don’t be put off that people will just write “That was interesting”, and reply in the most generic of terms. (that post count thing).
- Avoid like the plague actually mailing people who say “Mail me, we can talk about things”.. Strange people are in the welcome lounge, and they want your soul.
- Avoid discussing anything of importance with anyone in the welcome lounge. The only people who have more than 1000 posts in there are being friendly because they have to be, the rest are there either to get those 1000 posts, or because they like to think that after being here for a month, they know it all.
- Don’t be clever. Showing up with a cake picture on your first day will have all the moderators rushing about checking your IP address and browser settings against a list, and they will just suspect you are a sock account.
- Use that sob story to ask the question “Am I asexual”, and pretend to be interested in the reply.
- A double dose of Valium and vodka should be at hand in order to get in the mood.
Making friends and keeping out of trouble.
- The most important thing to remember is that no one likes an individual. The best thing to do to prepare is to watch as many SJW YouTubers as you can before trying to communicate. Knowing the language is not enough. Many of the theories are highly irrational and counter intuitive, and one mistake could mean the end to your AVEN experience.
- Make SURE you are on the right side. Note the users that say the most personally insulting things, and get likes, you should add to their likes ALWAYS. These users are saying the right things, and are there for allowed to play rough shod with the rules.. Being on the most popular side of an argument is always much better than being right.
- Never be the first to reply to a post. Wait until a reply has at least 4 likes more than any other, then put that post in to google translate. Translate it in to Japanese, then copy that and translate it back in to English, correct any obvious errors, and then post it that while quoting someone who has no likes. The more advanced AVEN users will chose to quote a few parts of a conversation and split their replies using this method with two posts from a popular user.
- Never quote anyone who is popular, and under NO circumstances EVER name someone, and agree with them. This is considered rude, and they could see it as an insult, and get you banned.
- If for any reason at all you are lucky enough to spot anything that could be in any way offensive to anyone in the world for what ever reason you should get in there as fast as you can. Don’t worry about spell checking, or making any sense, just get in there, and call them out, and make SURE you say that you are personally offended by it, at the same time hit that “report” button, and lay it on as thick as you can that it is something that massively affects you. You will find your popularity rockets in seconds, and there will be one less looser on AVEN..
- Never make a joke about anything unless it is directed against one of the allowable groups. So that’s men, straight people, white people, Cis people, and conservative voters. Also anyone who gets no likes regularly, or those that popular people “Quote”.
Getting those 1000 posts:
- Getting 1000 posts means that you are cool, and you get to use more Japanese writing. So it’s important to get there quickly.
- Go to the welcome lounge, and give pictures of cake to every new person, and no matter how long their story is, and how heart wrenching just say “Thanks for your story”. If you could be bothered to read a line or two and it looked sad say “I am sorry you had to go through that”, and apply the cake. What ever you do, avoid talking to them about their issue. Focus on your goals.
- Use the techniques in the last section to bolster both your post count, and your popularity.
- Post lost of meaningless questions with obvious answers.
- Tell as many sob stories as you can.
Final words of advice.
- Getting to that 1000 post mark without a stain on your character should be easy if you follow the rules above.
- Any deviation from the rules will most likely mean that you get warnings, and bans. It really is important to know that the moderators are constantly looking for reasons to feel important, and getting noticed at all is the worst possible thing. If you get so much as a nudge we would advise that you just ditch your account, and set up a new one.
- Just remember no one likes an individual, and a good sob story beats a story of empowerment every day of the week. The more needy, and screwed up you are, the more you can get away with. Think of it like America has got Talent. It’s the same thing. No one will say anything bad to you if you can convince them you are the victim.
- Enjoy yourself as little as possible and you will fit in just fine.
^^^ That above for those who have not worked it out is the satirical part… I just got carried away doing something I have had in mind for ages. I hope it made someone chuckle, or was it too close to the truth? <chuckles>.
Well I am back, and there is a fair bit of stuff I have to work on in the coming weeks.
I want to get this place up and going again. I really need to find some writers. This place would be so good if we could get at least 2 stories a day on the go, and also have the sensible stuff..
I will be working on project OX the replacement for AS-NS,
First of all though I will be working with a few people on getting the AS-NS front page updated with content Definitely something to watch out for..
Any way… I think it’s time I left you to get on with your Sunday.
Thank you so much for reading my drivel, and I hope to see you here again during the week..
Oh and *This is only a pullout if you print the whole site,